Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
nutella sex= disaster
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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