She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize