I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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