It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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