I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
