You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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