She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
