I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Everything about him screamed your future.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
