My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
