im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
