I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
