He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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