it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
