My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
