I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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