Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
