uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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