I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
