my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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