guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
