I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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