I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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