I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
