did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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