Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hippo gnu deer
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
