I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
