I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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