I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
