When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
