i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
