You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
