Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
