my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Mom said you looked used
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
