There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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