You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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