Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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