she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
