im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I licked your asshole in confidence.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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