All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
