WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Cover your peen. We're going out.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
