if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
