He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
