He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize