If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
