Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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