Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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