May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
