Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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