you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
