It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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