I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
