i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
