He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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