I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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