Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
