I accidentally had phone sex last night
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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