Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
