ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize