We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize